A Simple Misunderstanding

By Al Horn

The wall in front of me split in the middle and appeared to be rolling into the adjacent walls. This in itself didn't amaze me. It was the creature that stood on the other side. It was the closest thing to another human I had seen since I had gotten here. It had rough features but still had two eyes, two ears and something that looked very much like a human nose. The mouth and teeth were poor examples. I was still trying to evaluate the legs, arms and torso when 'it' spoke.

"What the hell are you looking at?" she asked.

"You're... you're human?" I asked, stammering.

"You were expecting a Martian or something?"

This sudden revelation that I was not the only human in this alien institution hit me hard. Still, I didn't want to give these clowns the satisfaction of seeing me caught off guard, again. "Well, it's just that I've been here for so long without seeing a friendly face."

The smile that had slipped from her face reasserted itself. "They told me I would be put with a kindred spirit. What got you into this place?"

"A misunderstanding, of course. I was on the lam for a simple interaction at a convenience store. I had given my pursuit the slip out on a country road when bam, down comes this thing with flashing lights and a real high-pitched whine. I thought it was a police copter at first. Then a couple of clowns in strange suits pop out and tell me to climb in if I don't want to get caught."

"Ya, same thing happened to me. Once inside they aimed some gizmo at me and that was all I remembered before waking up in here."

"Well, they didn't shoot me. At least, not at first."

"You must have tried bustin out on 'em, didn't you?"

"No, not really. I just..."

"Tell her the whole story, Justin," said a voice from the middle of the ceiling. "Or, would you prefer we presented all the facts?"

"No, I can do just fine," I reply while looking around for the cameras they must have been using. "I've got nothing to hide. You guys are the ones that are making a big deal out of this."

"What's going on?" the woman asked.

"I"m not real sure myself. I will tell you that I didn't expect to see you or any other human here. Wait, I take that back. I was hoping for a good lawyer to show up. You're not a lawyer are you?"

"Me? I wish. If I were a lawyer, I probably wouldn't be here either. Like you, I was on the run for knocking over a small town bank when these guys showed up."

"Fancy that. Anyway, I watched these guys handle the controls on the way up to orbit. I figured I could handle them without much trouble. I come up behind them acting scared but curious, you know?"

"Sure, used that gag myself a time or two."

"Right. Well, I get up close and I bop one on the head with the heel of my shoe. He slumps back in his chair. The other one is so wrapped up in handling the controls he doesn't even notice. I tell you. If I hadn't of hesitated to see his reaction, I wouldn't be here. But, I did. Just as I'm bringing the shoe down on him, he flips a switch. The lights in the room turned a funny green and I became sicker than a dog. About the time I think I'm going to die from vomiting for the umpteenth time, everything goes back to normal. I passed out. The next thing I know, I find myself here."

"Bummer, man."

"Tell me about it. I wake up, find myself tied to a table, and start screaming my head off cause I figure they're about to start cutting on me. You know, with me being awake and all."

"I don't blame you, man. I would have freaked too."

"Yeah. Only they don't cut on me. They start asking questions. Seems the two guys I whacked died. Hey, how was I supposed to know they had such soft skulls? Besides, they were kidnapping me. On our world, I got a right to defend myself. To try and get free."

"Right on, man." She pauses a moment then looks to the ceiling. "So what has this got to do with me?"

"Your race has been deemed too violent for its own good," said the voice from the ceiling. "We were bringing Justin back to make a final analysis. His action cost two of our people their lives but did provide conclusive evidence. After some discussion, it was decided to see if these traits could be bred out of you."

We looked each other up and down at that point. I don't think she was any happier with her future mate than I was.

"As for the rest of your planet, it is being destroyed as we speak."

"What?" the woman wailed. "I've got two little nieces and a grandmother that wouldn't hurt a flea. Why them?"

"The great council has decided that for the rest of the galaxy's continued safety, it would not be prudent to allow your race to continue into space with all of its violent tendencies."

She turns to me with a look that could kill. "This is all your fault." She slipped off one of her boots at that point. I thought she was going to throw it at me. Instead, she walks up in front of me like she's going to hit me.

As I raise my hand to slap her down. A two-inch blade pops out of one of the heels and is plunged into my midsection. I grab the boot and fall back. The room is turning black. "This is a hell of a way to start a relationship."