Seminar to Address Adoption Concerns

By Lynnette Horn

"The Many Faces of Adoption," a seminar to promote better understanding of adoption, will be held Saturday, September 29, 2002 from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. in the Sunnen Room at Webster University, 175 Edgar Road, St. Louis. Early registration is $45 per person. After September 1, $60 per person. (Log onto www.all-about-adoption.org for more information.)

The seminar is being sponsored by All About Adoption, a local non-profit organization that assists all those involved in the adoption circle: adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents and agencies involved. Pam Wood, founder and president of All About Adoption, wants to take adoption out of the shadows and bring it to light. "With over four million adopted persons in the U.S., it has been estimated that ten percent of the population is directly or indirectly involved with adoption." Yet, adoption is a topic barely understood or acknowledged, she said.

The keynote speaker will be Ronald J. Nydam, Ph.D., author of Adoptees Come of Age: Living Within Two Families. In addition, adoptees, birthparents and adoptive parents will share their stories and answer questions. Marlene and Cory Barron (Channel 4 News) and Mindy and John Carney (KMOX radio) will also be part of a panel, discussing the many aspects of adoption.

By participating in "The Changing Faces of Adoption," the Carneys hope to make adoption a more positive word. "For too long adoption has held a negative connotation," Ms. Carney said. Seminars like this go a long way to bring about understanding.

When the Carneys decided to adopt a child there was a lot less information available. They were flying blind. So when the first agency they visited told them they would have to wait seven years for a child, they believed it. The possibility of an American adoption seemed slim. If they had to wait seven years the Carneys would no longer have met the U.S. age criteria for adoptive parents.

"No one asked if we wanted a child of a different race or age," Ms. Carney said. "They just assumed that we wanted a white newborn."

Believing that U.S. adoption was not a possibility for them, the Carneys turned their focus towards international adoption. Since then, they've learned a lot more about adoption. "It's not hopeless in the U.S.," Ms. Carney is quick to point out. "There are many American children needing good homes." The waiting time can be greatly reduced if the family is willing to take in an older baby/child or one with mixed heritage or disabilities. "These kids need love, too," she added.

The Carneys started their search for an agency by following leads from a Kansas City newspaper feature on a family with children adopted from other countries. It eventually led them to a St. Louis agency that handled placement of international children. After reading all the literature and talking to the agency's references, it didn't take them long to make their final decision. "We leapt into adoption," Ms. Carney said. "We went on gut instinct. We just knew it was the right thing."

The year was 1995. China had opened its doors to foreign adoption in 1992, but the idea was just catching on in the States. Only about 500 Chinese children were placed in the U.S. that year, and five-month-old Jaede Carney was one of them. The whole process only took five and a half months from the application in April to the referral in mid-September.

Such a short process is no longer typical. International adoption has since taken off. This year an estimated 5,000 Chinese children will be adopted into the U.S. And, with the increased demand, the process can take about 12 months.

The Carneys boarded a plane for China, where they would meet their new daughter. The long flight gave time to fester any concerns or fears that plague most new adoptive parents. "Am I going to be able to love this child?" Ms. Carney worried. But when she got off the plane and saw little Jaede, all her fears dissipated. It was love at first sight. "They put her in my arms and she looked up at me with her big eyes and that was it," Mrs. Carney said.

Not all adoptive parents are going to feel attachment from the first moment, she added. Sometimes it takes a while to get to know each other, especially if the child is a little older. Such was the case with the Carneys' second daughter, Joerdan, three. She was just over one year old when they met her in China. "We saw this little person, who was terrified of us," Ms. Carney said. There was nothing they could do to fix it and take away her terror.

"I was her mother the moment I met her," she explained. "I would have done anything for her. But, we didn't know each other." They needed a little time. "Over the next 48 hours I fell in love with her," she confessed.

Ms. Carney advises future adoptive parents about what to expect. International babies are usually between 10-14 months old. They have lived through some rough conditions, so are initially delayed developmentally. "Though it's a rare child who doesn't catch up quickly," she reassured. There are more girls available for placement than boys. Some children are shy and quiet, others more demanding and loud, but all "tend to be incredibly stubborn and spunky," she laughed. "It's just part of the personality of survivors."

Adoption has been a wonderful experience for the Carneys. There has not been a moment of regret, Ms. Carney concluded.

Appeared first in Progressive Woman Magazine, September 2002