The Great Debates

Heinz vs. Hunts

Bush vs. Van Kamp

By Al Horn

Normally I am loath to discuss major issues of the day. Please, don't misunderstand me, I love a spirited conversation. The problem is that some people become so emotional about today's issues that they can't hold civil discourse with another person.

The local paper made light of the fact that a popular restaurant had ran out of one brand of catsup and temporarily replaced it with it's major competitor. Some people probably cared less about what brand was on the table. Others may have refused to eat because their choice of refined tomatoes was not available. Unless it was one of the better sit-down burger joints, I doubt I would have given it a second thought.

That's not to say I'm indiscriminate, I can be. When it comes to hamburgers I prefer Heinz spiraled thinly then dabbed between the buns. I honestly like dipping my fries in Hunts. Notice I said dipping. Spray any of the red condiments over my order of fries and I will turn my nose up at them. As far as hot dogs are concerned, any brand will suffice.

I have often thought there should be venues for sampling catsups comparable to one going to a wine tasting. Imagine a small banquet hall with tables from different national producers. Let's keep it domestic for now. At each table they would have trays set out with fries, onion rings, cut sections of burgers and anything you might normally use catsup with. Because there would be no alcohol involved, you could make it a family affair. Let your children have some input as to what is on the dinner table. For the sake of family unity you might have Heinz in a bottle shaped like Sponge Bob Square Pants. Everybody would be happy.

Imagine these events revolving around community events. You could have blind taste tests at the county fairs. Win a free ride on a tractor that evening! There would be the Thanksgiving church social. Which brand goes better with white or dark meat? How about the school sponsored Easter egg hunt? Picture a whole new meaning to 'dipping' eggs.

Of course, with the dwindling brands in current production, there would be a need to supplement these gastronomical affairs. My suggestion would be to include beans. Not just any beans, but pork and beans. Again, let's stay with the better-known brands just for simplicity's sake. When you think about it, beans compliment just about any food where you use catsup.

In case you were wondering, I am not a one-bean man. I prefer Bush brand with my hamburgers and fries while savoring Van Kamp's while enjoying my hot dogs. As a self-professed connoisseur, I would be more than willing to participate in a tasting contest.

For the sake of honest advertising there could be votes cast after blind tasting in districts all over the country. After the votes were tabulated they could be published nationally. Such contest could be run in the middle of election years with the winner having bragging rights for four years.

I mentioned this idea to the Barmaid and she said I would be a natural to run such a grand scheme. She also said I was full of beans. She didn't name which brand.